Fiction: Dungeon Keeping

[kethni]

Name: Dungeon Keeping

Pairing: Matt/Adam

Characters: Adam, Matt, Mohinder, Peter

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Violence! Sex!

Word Count: 3203

Authors Note: For plotbunny_tiff

Summary: A thrilling adventure for our four heroes as they raid the Ice Fortress of the Goblin King!




‘We should have a sorceress or an Amazon,’ Peter says stubbornly.

‘Four is good,’ Matt says firmly. ‘Fighter, Thief, Wizard, Cleric. Four is enough.’

‘Yes but it’s traditional for one of the party to be a woman!’

Mohinder rolls his eyes. ‘Of course, and where would we be without tradition?’

‘Peter, dear boy, can’t you find a woman of your own without hoping for a female fighter or magic user to join the party?’ Adam asks sweetly. ‘Perhaps in the dungeons you can find some nice henchwoman to suddenly fall in love with you.’

They’re sat around a crackling fire at the mouth of a cave far below the ice fortress of the Goblin King. The axes, swords, armour, bows, arrows, maces, torches, flints, tinder, food, water, gold, potions, lock picks, and holy relics are piled up in the corner. It’s amazing that they manage to carry it all, really.

‘Henchwomen and villainesses only fall for the hero,’ Mohinder yawns.

‘So? I could be the hero.’

‘Oh really? A cleric as hero, is that traditional?’ Mohinder asks tartly.

‘Shut up!’

‘Perhaps we could get a female cleric instead?’ Mohinder suggests. ‘Although I’ve never worked out exactly what the point of clerics is.’

‘We can heal other people,’ Peter snaps. ‘And repel the undead. You can’t even fight!’

‘I don’t need to fight.’

Adam taps Matt’s leg with his foot. ‘The children are squabbling again, dear.’

Matt rolls his eyes. ‘Peter, we don’t need a woman. Mohinder, stop being deliberately annoying.’

‘Can I do it by accident?’ Mohinder asks sweetly.

‘Dearest, it’s hard to imagine how you’d stop,’ Adam retorts.



‘Always think someone should stand guard,’ Matt remarks as he lies down on the cave floor.

The warmth of the fire is still lingering as Adam lies down next to him.

‘Who would you have do it? We none of us but you are skilled at fighting in cramped quarters: Mohinder has no fighting skills and wouldn’t be able to use a spell before someone entering the cave killed him, Peter has skill but little strength, and I’m only good at sneak attacks.’ Adam kisses Matt softly. ‘So we shall have to rely on you to protect us. Besides, we are never attacked in our sleep unless we have gone to an inn which, mysteriously, is free and then there is never anything that can be done to avoid it!’

‘Alright.’

‘Alright?’ Adam scowls playfully. ‘Is that “alright, I accept your reasoning,” or “alright, shut up already, Adam,” hmm?’

Matt smiles and slides an arm around the thief. ‘Yes.’



‘Mohinder! Mohinder, are you awake?’

‘If I wasn’t I would be now.’

‘Can you hear that?’ Peter persists.

‘Only barely over the sound of you whispering. Do shut up, Peter.’

Peter rolls over to look across at the wizard. ‘Here, can you see what’s happening?’ he asks, realising Mohinder is on his front staring ahead.

‘Mmm, yes.’

‘Are they... I mean are they?’

Mohinder grins widely. ‘Oh yes.’

‘You’re disgusting!’

‘A cleric would say that. Generally though I prefer “profane”; it’s far more in keeping with my nature.’

Peter rolls on to his back. ‘Do you think they know we can hear them?’

‘I’m sure they don’t care,’ Mohinder says, craning his neck. ‘What do you think would be a good breakfast?’

‘What?’

‘Oh keep up,’ Mohinder chides. ‘People having sex is a time honoured fertility rite. The sexual energy being produced is at least enough for some corn. I can transmute that into some other food, bacon perhaps, or steak! It’s been a long time since I’ve had steak.’

Peter stares at the roof of the cave. ‘Them having sex makes steaks?’

‘Or bacon.’

‘But we’ve got food already.’

‘We’ve got apples and cheese! They hardly compare,’ Mohinder sneers.

Peter rolls onto his side again. ‘But why can’t you turn them into bacon or steak already?’

Mohinder rolls his eyes. ‘Number one, because they’re static, the apples have been picked and the milk has been churned, and number two because there wasn’t all the lovely fertile energy whizzing around. Now there is.’

‘So the next time we’re really hungry we just need them to defile themselves?’

Mohinder grins widely. ‘I suppose this means you won’t want food then. More for us!’

‘Let’s not be hasty,’ Peter says quickly.



‘Where the devil did you get steak of all things?’ Adam asks, squatting by the fire over which Mohinder is cooking.

‘Trust me,’ Peter says quickly, ‘you do not want to know.’

‘So hungry this morning,’ Matt says, sitting down.

‘I can’t imagine why,’ Mohinder says dryly. ‘So, dungeon by this afternoon?’

‘Before that. Mid-morning.’ Matt slaps Adam’s thigh with the flat of his hand. ‘Have to walk faster!’

‘I don’t walk, I skulk,’ Adam says with dignity. ‘I’ll have you know it’s very difficult to skulk at high speed.’

‘The sooner we get the dungeon sorted the sooner you can spend the night in an inn and we can sleep,’ Mohinder points out.

‘What?’

‘Nothing!’



‘One day I’d like to meet whoever is in charge of urban planning and have a good long talk with them,’ Mohinder says, juggling with balls of light as they near the foothills of the ice fortress.

‘Dear boy, whatever are you talking about?’

‘Have you noticed how every city has exactly one village nearby? It’s ridiculous; one village and then miles and miles of empty countryside before one more city and one village.’

Peter looks across at Matt. ‘Are you going to let him chatter on all the way there?’

Matt shrugs expansively. ‘He’s a fifth level wizard, why don’t you make him stop talking?’

‘Come on cleric,’ Mohinder says, waggling his eyebrows. ‘Raise the dead at me.’

‘At least I can swing a sword.’

‘That’s about all you can swing,’ Mohinder says with a wink.

‘Children I realise that this is probably a waste of time, but we are nearly at the entrance to the dungeons,’ Adam says idly. ‘Perhaps a tad more stealth and a touch less bickering?’

They slow their approach and a broadsword appears in Matt’s hand.

‘Goblins,’ he observes. ‘Only three though.’

‘If Mohinder will cause a distraction I ought to be able to dispatch one of them,’ Adam says, weighing the dagger in his hand.

‘Certainly, a few fireballs from the other direction should help no end,’ Mohinder says. ‘If you’ll all move around I’ll get a good, clear shot.’

The fireballs loop over their heads and crash down around the startled goblins setting the grass and trees on fire. They leap to and fro as they try to find the source of the spitting fireballs.

Matt storms towards them swinging his broadsword and bracing his shield while Adam circles around behind them. One goblin goes down to a slash across his throat from Adam’s dagger while Matt beheads another goblin and guts the third.

‘Everyone okay?’ Peter asks, bouncing over. ‘Anyone need healing?’

‘I don’t think it will help healing the elves,’ Mohinder says, prodding one in the chest with his foot. ‘Although these might be beyond your skill.’

‘Well maybe they’ll become undead,’ Peter retorts.

Matt rolls his eyes and walks past them into the cave entrance.

‘Hopefully not while Adam is robbing them,’ Mohinder observes. ‘What do you think you’ll get from them?’

Adam piles gold, potions, and maps onto the ground. ‘It’s always amazing what you can find. Do you know I’ve found gold on bears, rubies on wolves, and even armour on a troll. Human size armour mind you. What the bear, wolves, and trolls do with such things I have no idea.’

‘Maps, awesome,’ Peter says, scooping them up. ‘I’ll carry these.’

‘Power potions and speed charms,’ Mohinder says, grabbing them up. ‘I take it back.’

Adam stands smoothly. ‘I should hope so. Chop, chop, hurry along!’


The cave is filled with a darkish green light as Mohinder and Peter tramp along. Up ahead Matt has a torch held aloft in one hand and a crossbow held steadily in the other. Adam is climbing over rocks and peering into cracks as he looks for chests or pots.

‘Do you think you could keep the noise now?’ Mohinder hisses as Adam smashes open another pot.

‘Oh relax, they never post guards on the treasure they leave randomly lying around the place,’ Adam says, leaping easily over a boulder. ‘Only on treasure in the actual dungeon heart.’

‘That’s just stupid,’ Peter announces. ‘Why’s their treasure lying around anyway?’

‘Maybe it’s a trap,’ Mohinder suggests. ‘You open the wrong chest and snap! It eats you.’ He comes to abrupt halt as he almost walks into Matt. ‘Oops.’

‘Goblins ahead,’ Matt says. ‘Lots of them.’

‘Well, dear heart, how do we get past?’ Adam asks, craning past him. ‘We’ve got a couple of doors, some platforms, oh and some wheel thingies.’

Matt shrugs. ‘Open the doors and see?’

Peter wanders to the first door and tries the handle. ‘They’re locked.’

‘The other one won’t be,’ Adam says confidently. ‘In fact, inside the second door will be the key to the first.’

Peter disappears inside.

‘Or a side quest to get it,’ Matt observes.

‘Probably chock-full of goblins,’ Mohinder says.

‘Shit. We best go rescue the poor lamb hadn’t we?’ Adam says, bracing himself.



‘This is not funny you guys!’ Peter wails as he is carried past in a cage carried on poles.

‘It is a little funny,’ Mohinder says, charging up fireballs.

‘A tiny bit,’ Adam adds, holding a thumb and forefinger a couple of centimetres apart. ‘But we’re on it.’

Matt points at the end of the platform they’re standing on. ‘I go there and attack from the front.’

Adam moves to the other end and climbs over, preparing to drop down behind the marching goblins. ‘On three...’

Two

One

Matt drops down heavily in front of them, already swinging his sword, Adam drops down behind them with his short dagger already out. Up on the platform, Mohinder whistles as he sends fireballs dropping down onto the goblins.

‘Mohinder!’ Peter wails. ‘Watch where you’re throwing those things; you nearly set me on fire!’

‘Sorry!’ Mohinder sing-songs.

‘Do you get bored of this?’ Adam asks as the last body falls. ‘Slash, stab, and kill doesn’t it seem rather repetitive?’

‘I’m a fighter,’ Matt says, and the weapons he’s holding disappear somewhere about his person. ‘Does stealing get boring?’

‘The loot certainly doesn’t,’ Adam says cheerily.

‘Hey!’ Peter yells. ‘I’m still in this damn thing.’

Mohinder leans over the platform and looks down at them. ‘We could keep him in the cage. It’d be a lot easier to keep him out of trouble.’

‘Do you want to carry the dear boy in that thing?’ Adam asks. ‘No? Thought not.’

Matt breaks open the cage with one kick and hauls Peter out.

‘Try not to get captured again.’

‘I was trying to get the key,’ Peter sulks.

‘After all that you didn’t even get the key?’ Mohinder asks.

‘You know, you’re really starting to tick me off!’ Peter snaps. ‘It’s over there.’

Adam shrugs, climbs up a ladder, vaults across a gap, grabs a ring, and hauls himself up to secure the key.

‘Never managed to do that stuff,’ Matt remarks. ‘Always miss and fall.’

‘I’d have done it except I fell through the trapdoor and got captured,’ Peter says, hauling himself up onto the platform. ‘At least I try to do stuff; all you do is bitch.’

‘Yes, but I’m good at it,’ Mohinder replies.



Back in the main chamber, Adam uses the key to open the first door. Inside are three large wheels.

‘Hate these ones,’ Matt says, sighing.

‘What does this do?’ Adam asks, spinning the first one.

Mohinder cranes his neck. ‘Lowers one of the platforms.’

‘And this?’

‘Raises a different one.’

‘And that?’

‘Just dropped boiling oil onto a load of goblins,’ Mohinder notes. ‘Who designs these things? Who sits there and thinks, “What we need is to be able to drop boiling oil on our people?” Psychotics, that’s who.’

Adam looks around and down. ‘Ahh, whoops. Still, that saves us a bit of work, eh?’

‘The ones that are still alive are climbing up to the platform,’ Peter says nervously. ‘Guys? They’re climbing back up to the platform.’

Matt reaches past Adam and sets the first wheel spinning in the opposite direction. The platform crashes down dropping a score of screeching, scrabbling goblins. But as Adam frantically raises the other platform, even more of them leap across the gap.

‘Adam, at the back!’ Matt orders, striding forward to meet them.

There is a short, startled gasp of pain and Matt spins around to see Mohinder sinking to his knees. A gloating, grinning goblin is still holding the sword that has run Mohinder through.

Peter screams and hurls himself at the goblin, beating at it wildly with his fists.

‘Peter! Healing now!’ Adam insists, jumping over and dispatching the goblin with his dagger.

Peter staggers upright, dodges an overhead blow from a goblin, punches another in the face, yanks the sword out of Mohinder, and starts to heal him.

‘Behind!’ Matt roars. He grabs three goblins nearest him and flings them bodily at the one about to decapitate Peter.

They all crash down to the floor in a tangle of limbs and weaponry, knocking Peter on top of Mohinder.

‘I protest! What the hell are you doing?’ Mohinder demands.

‘Healing your sorry ass!’ Peter huffs. ‘Will someone get these goblins off me?’

Matt’s sword whistles through the air as he beheads them and Adam shoves the lifeless bodies away.

Mohinder considers Peter, still lying on top of him. ‘Is this generally how you heal someone or am I especially honoured?’ he asks politely.

‘The phrase you’re looking for is “thank you,” by the way,’ Peter says, clambering to his feet.

‘I’d give you a big kiss,’ Mohinder says sweetly, ‘but I’m sure you wouldn’t approve.’

Adam rolls his eyes as he drags the wheels back into alignment. ‘Do you think we should just leave them behind?’ he asks Matt.

‘Tempting,’ Matt laughs. ‘Best not. The dungeon might be guarded. Or worse.’

‘Worse as in random enormous creatures that need killing?’ Adam suggests. ‘With no way around and no way back? Oi! Cleric, wizard, come on. Onwards and downwards.’



These walls are a uniform dark brown except where the light falls from the perpetually flickering torches.

‘Funny having torches so near an ice fortress,’ Peter remarks. ‘If I was the goblin king I’d be worried about a fire starting and melting the ice.’

‘The dungeon and the foundations aren’t ice, dear boy, this area is stone,’ Adam says, tapping a wall. ‘Perfectly sound and will probably last another thousand years.’

‘Unless the goblin king dies,’ Matt adds.

‘Oh yes, thank you, it will last another thousand years unless the villain dies, in which case the hitherto perfectly structurally sound building will slowly collapse into burning rubble for absolutely no reason.’

‘We call those load bearing villains,’ Mohinder says archly.

Up ahead they can see a huge, slowly swinging pendulum with a razor sharp edge and beyond it an open room, heaped with gold and jewels.

They get as close as they can and watch the pendulum.

‘Can’t get through. Too fast,’ Matt decides.

‘I don’t see any levers around,’ Adam says, prowling about the area.

‘There doesn’t seem to be anyway to jam it,’ Mohinder says thoughtfully.

Peter heaves a rock through the gap. The others look at him.

‘There’s a button thing inside,’ he says sheepishly. ‘I thought if I could hit it then the pendulum might stop.’

The other men gather around and look at the room beyond.

‘He’s right about the button,’ Mohinder says. ‘But not the rock, that’s just idiotic. Even if you stood right in front of the pendulum you couldn’t throw it far enough.’

Adam nudges Matt with his elbow. ‘You’ve got a crossbow still haven’t you?’

‘Not a good shot,’ Matt admits.

‘I’ll try,’ Adam says, holding out his hands.

The first shot hits the swinging pendulum, rebounds, and nearly takes off Matt’s ear. The second shot hits a sack of gold in the dungeon. The third shot bounces off the brick wall and clatters on to the floor. But the fourth shot flies true, striking the button firmly in the middle.

The pendulum drops with a shriek of metal. It crashes to the ground and shatters into a million pieces, causing the men to leap backwards.

‘How ridiculously overdramatic,’ Adam remarks, prowling forward.

‘Do you think the goblins have to go through that palaver whenever they want some gold?’ Mohinder asks. ‘They’d go through a ridiculous amount of pendulums.’

The four men wander into the room and begin gather up the treasure. The door slides shut and the light changes. With a crash of music, zombies coalesce around them and a huge snake appears in the centre of the room.

‘Oh bollocks,’ Adam complains.

‘Peter, undead!’ Matt says, quickly dodging the snake.

‘What? Oh yeah! I can control the undead!’

Mohinder rolls his eyes as he tries to stay behind Matt. ‘Then bloody do it! Some of us can’t defend ourselves!’

Adam ducks a zombie and rolls behind the snake.

‘Look here!’ Matt shouts, his sword hacking at the snake. ‘Adam, is the spot back there?’

‘What spot?’ Peter asks as the zombies turn and begin attacking the infuriated snake.

‘There’s always a spot to attack,’ Mohinder says, bobbing out to lob a fireball. ‘An eye or a tentacle or something.’

The snake flicks its tail, catching Matt unawares and sending him flying. Its head shoots forward for the suddenly exposed Mohinder, who shoots a huge fireball and leaps to the side.

‘A little warning would be nice!’ Peter protests, patting out of fires in his clothes.

‘Top of the head!’ Adam calls. ‘Levitation spell, Mohinder!’

Mohinder ducks by Matt, leaps over the thrashing tail and hurls the spell at Adam.

‘Not me!’ Adam yells as he’s hurtled upwards.

‘I can only do one person and Matt’s too close.’

Adam grabs thrashes desperately as he floats close to the snake, which turns suddenly and flicks out its tongue. He squirms and kicks, just avoiding the barbed and poisonous tongue, and his flailing dagger finally strikes home into the sensitive spot.

The snake lets out a scream of pain. The room shakes and the lights waver madly as the snakes thrashes in its death throes.

‘Oh great, now we have to stand here and watch the thing die,’ Mohinder complains.

With a huge burst of light, the great snake dies, and on the other side of the room, a door appears.

Adam drops down suddenly, crashing onto a pile of gold. ‘Mohinder, dear boy, if you ever do that to me again I’ll run you through myself and nobody will bring you back again!’

Mohinder rolls his eyes as he joins the others in gathering up the gold. ‘It worked didn’t it? Moan, moan, moan.’

Once they have gathered up as much of the gold and jewels as they can carry, Peter nods at the door. ‘So are we going through?’

Adam and Matt exchange a look.

‘Sod that,’ Adam announces. ‘Let’s go home.’

The End


"Don't you know you *never* split the party!": In which you have Adam the thief, Matt the fighter, Mohinder the wizard, and Peter the cleric going off on a thrilling adventure through a dangerous dungeon. What awaits them at the end: treasure, a cruel death, or something unexpected?