Fiction: Salad Days

[kethni]

Name: Salad Days
Characters: Matt, Bennet.
Genre: Gen (with mentions of Matt/Daphne), Crack
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Note: For kimmi_watch who wanted ‘A really cracky buddy comedy type thing involving Matt and HRG that would be great.’ With huge thanks to dragon6593 for all the help :D



The hole is roughly the shape of a man and goes straight through twelve solid inches of concrete. Bennet looks through the hole and raises his eyebrows. ‘Are you going to lie there all night?’

Matt sits up, rubbing his head. ‘You crash through three buildings and then we’ll talk about lying around all night.’

Bennet puts his hands on his hips, and his Lycra costume top rides up. ‘Well you shouldn’t go crashing your fat ass into buildings.’

‘My fat ass?’ Matt retorts, getting to his feet. ‘You’re the one flashing flesh, cheeseball.’

Bennet glances down and tugs his top. ‘It’s obviously shrunk.’

‘Yeah right,’ Matt snorts, pushing through the hole. ‘It’s shrunk. It couldn’t possibly be that Knighthawk has turned into Turkey Man.’

‘At least I don’t crash into buildings. What, it jumped out in front of you?’

‘Shut up cheeseball.’



A knife flashing, a woman screaming, the cold air crystallising on his skin, heart pounding. Could be a mugger, probably a mugger, and another thug off the streets. Sirens, alarms, a fire blazing in a tenement building and the air cool as he comes in to land. The Speedster and Dr Silk already on the scene, everyone pitching in to help out.

‘Matt? Matt, wake up, you gotta go to work. Come on sex machine,’ Daphne giggles. ‘Quit hitting snooze, that thing is driving me nuts!’

‘Aww mommy, do I have to?’ Matt asks, opening his eyes. ‘I don’t want to go to school.’

‘That’s not funny, smart ass,’ she scowls, hitting him with a pillow. ‘Get up and go to work already.’

‘Okay,’ Matt says, tucking an arm under his head. ‘How about I stay home and look after Daniella, and you go to work?’

‘Sure, we’ll just ring up your boss and tell him that I’m going to take over your shift,’ Daphne says rolling her eyes. ‘I’ll make a very convincing Detective I’m sure.’



Paperwork. Matt’s drowning it. It’s overflowing his desk, washing up his legs, up his chest, filling up his lungs and suffocating him.

Yeah, detective work out turned out to be so damn exciting. One arrest gets him a week’s worth of paperwork and no arrests get him more. Plus, thanks to last night’s little adventure, there are damage reports for three buildings, two cars, and a statue of the Governor floating around the system. Thank god nobody ever ID’d him or he’d be in court on criminal damage charges.

He’s awoken from his hypnotised reverie by the telephone pealing.

‘Parkman.’

‘We on for tonight?’

‘You asking me on a date?’ Matt queries.

‘In your dreams.’

‘I can’t anyway,’ Matt says, tucking the phone between his neck and shoulder. ‘Daphne’s got a learning annex class. I’m having a Daddy-Daughter night with Daniella.’

‘Ah, tomorrow then?’

Matt rubs his forehead. ‘Yeah, but...’ he lowers his voice. ‘Somewhere there aren’t any sky scrapers, okay?’

‘Just out of practice, Powerman,’ Bennet chuckles. ‘It’ll come back to you.’



‘What?’ Bennet asks innocently, when he turns around to find Claire looking at him.

‘Are you and Matt Parkman dating or something?’ she asks tartly, wandering into the kitchen.

‘No, we are not dating,’ Bennet replies, shaking his head at Sandra.

‘Claire, sit down and eat your waffles. Noah sit down and have some coffee.’

‘I don’t get waffles?’ Bennet asks, raising his eyebrows.

‘You get toast,’ Sandra says, placing a plate in front of him. ‘Plain. Doctor Feldburg’s orders.’

‘Heh heh, Dad’s a fat ass,’ Lyle sniggers.

‘And you’re grounded for the next two weeks!’ Sandra says cheerfully. ‘Around here we don’t talk to our elders that way.’

‘I’m not fat,’ Bennet says with dignity. ‘I’m just... settled.’

‘Well I’m sure Matt will love you all the same,’ Claire says sweetly.

‘Claire Bennet, what are you implying?’ Sandra asks, crossing her arms.

Claire takes a bite of her waffle and sits back. ‘Just that Dad and Matt go out together most nights.’

‘Claire, honey, men need a little time to do guy things like bowl, or make infantile comments about boobies,’ Sandra says sitting down. ‘Or have farting competitions. Do you want to be around when that happens?’

‘Ew, no!’

‘Well then stop complaining.’

‘We do not have farting competitions!’ Bennet protests.

Sandra rolls her eyes at him. ‘Sure Noah, of course not.’

‘Isn’t this really sexist?’ Claire asks. ‘What about time for women to do women’s things, like drink martinis, make childish comments about men’s body parts, and compete over who has the best hair?’

‘Those are called “lunch with the girls,” I think you’ll find,’ Bennet says, sipping his coffee.

‘Oh! I thought those were just... lunch,’ Claire admits.

‘Well now you know the terrible secret,’ Bennet intones. ‘So eat your breakfast.’



Daphne finishes grabbing her books together and shoves them into her bag. ‘Matt?’

‘Yeah Daph?’ he asks, looking around the door, Daniella held cooing against his chest.

‘Before I forget, why don’t you invite some of the guys around for poker one night?’ she suggests. ‘Bennet, Mohinder, the Petrelli boys.’ She walks over and kisses him on the cheek. ‘It’s been an age since we had people around.’

‘The last time I saw Nathan he was all “Lord Dominator,” remember? He had half the capes around trapped in his fortress, including you!’

Daphne hoists the bag onto her shoulder. ‘Yeah, and you rescued me and it was very romantic,’ she says, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him. ‘He’s retired too, right? So it’d be wicked fun to have a night with everyone.’

‘Everyone? Death Girl and Pale Frost included in that?’ Matt asks sceptically.

Daphne rolls her eyes. ‘No, I won’t invite Maya and Tracy, geez. Why are all the female capes so lame?’

‘Rule of averages, they have to be lame so you can be awesome,’ Matt says, pulling her in to a kiss.

‘That’s it,’ she says, swiping his nose playfully. ‘Someone’s getting laid tonight.’

‘Whoo-hoo!’



Matt’s just got Daniella down for the night when someone knocks at the door.

‘Do you think that’s mommy back because she forgot something?’ Matt wonders, covering Daniella up. ‘Or maybe she couldn’t resist being away from daddy a single minute more.’

He wanders downstairs and opens the front door without checking the peephole.

‘Bennet? What’re you doing here?’ he asks, standing aside to let the other man in.

‘Sandra’s at her amateur dramatics,’ Bennet says with a shrug. ‘Thought I’d come over.’

‘People normally ring first,’ Matt chides, shutting the door behind him. ‘I can’t come out fighting crime tonight, I’ve got Daniella.’

‘I know, I just thought we could have a beer, watch a movie or something.’

‘Don’t you have any friends?’ Matt says lightly, taking one of the beers Bennet is carrying. ‘Sit down, I’ll pull together some chips and whatever.’



‘People like us, we don’t have friends,’ Bennet says morosely. ‘Just enemies that eventually stop trying to kill us.’

Matt looks at him over the top of his beer. ‘This is why you don’t have friends, you’re so damn miserable. Everything with you is so dramatic. Woe is me! For I must flap about the place dressed like a bat despite not having any kind of actual powers. Alas and alack! I am alone!’

‘At least I don’t go around wearing my underpants on the outside.’

‘The lonely and haunting figure of Knighthawk! Always hanging around in suspiciously well-lit areas with a lot of foot traffic so that people can see him being lonely and dramatic,’ Matt continues. ‘Right before he goes off home to his wife and kids.’

Bennet opens up another beer. ‘Just because we don’t all go around dressed in primary colours like some kind of escapee from the teletubbies. Shouting about Truth! and Justice! all the damn time. It’s all very well for you; you’re indestructible. Oh wait, apart from the eight-nine different varieties of random alien rock.’

‘The point is...’ Matt pauses to remember what his point is. ‘The point is, you’ve always been a great big drama queen. I bet it’s killing you not being able to moon about being all tormented. That’s why you want to sneak out in the evenings fighting crime.’

‘At least I’m not just doing it for the rush, like some people,’ Bennet charges, scowling at Matt.

‘You get a rush out of being Mr Dramatic!’

Bennet helps himself to some pretzels. ‘Claire accused me of having a dalliance with you, since I spend so much time with you.’

Matt sniggers and finishes his beer. ‘Even your daughter is a drama queen.’

‘Oh, she always has been.’

Matt opens another beer. ‘I wouldn’t worry, Sandra knows you’re straight. Oh, Daphne wants to invite everyone around from the old days for a poker night or something.’

‘Everyone?’ Bennet checks.

‘Not Maya or Tracy,’ Matt says quickly.

‘It doesn’t bother Daphne you spending a lot of time with me?’ Bennet asks.

Matt shrugs and grabs a handful of pretzels. ‘She knows you’re straight too. A great big straight drama queen.’

‘I always thought Nathan Petrelli made a bit too much of an issue of how straight he was,’ Bennet says thoughtfully. ‘Nobody chases after that many superheroines! Not even revolving door bad guys like him.’

‘I never heard of him making a move on any of the guys,’ Matt says with a shrug.

They look at each other for a long minute. ‘Closet case,’ they chorus, and clink their bottles together.

‘I hear you and Dr Silk had a little... partnership going for a while,’ Bennet suggests.

‘A gentleman never tells,’ Matt says primly. ‘Besides then he went evil, for like five minutes, and I met Daphne.’

‘Daphne never...’ Bennet waves his bottle idly. ‘Partnered with any of the ladies?’

‘Are you asking me if my wife is gay?’ Matt giggles. ‘Why do straight guys always fantasise about women making out with women?’

‘I suppose you bisexual types never do?’

‘No more than I fantasise about straight guys making out with other straight guys,’ Matt says with a wink.

‘Pervert.’

Daniella suddenly starts to cry, making Bennet jump and drop his beer. As it drops, Matt’s arm blurs forward and he catches it, inches from the floor.

‘Asshole, don’t drop beer on the rug,’ Matt says, handing it back and standing up.

‘So you can’t avoid crashing into buildings but you can co-ordinate catching a dropping can?’

Matt drains his can and heads upstairs. ‘Fast I do all the time, flying I do hardly ever. Practice, baby, it’s all just practice.’

Bennet shakes his head and then looks up at Matt’s rapidly disappearing form. ‘Don’t call me “baby,” asshole.’



There’s a blur of air as Daphne tidies up the living room and then suddenly sits by Matt.

‘Hey handsome!’

‘Oh hi,’ Matt says sitting up. ‘Good class?’

‘Yeah, pretty good.’ Daphne kisses him and then folds her arms. ‘You haven’t been sitting here getting drunk by yourself have you?’

‘I was just going to watch a movie! But Bennet turned up with some beers,’ Matt says sheepishly.

‘You didn’t let him drive home, right?’

‘He got a cab,’ Matt says, standing up. ‘He’s probably trying to persuade the driver that it’s his moral responsibility to let retired superheroes ride free even as we speak.’

Daphne brushes pretzel crumbs off Matt’s shirt. ‘Have I told you how hot it is when you’re covered in food?’ she asks, waggling her eyebrows. ‘Although chocolate sauce is easier to lick off.’

‘I think you may have mentioned it once or twice,’ Matt says with a smile.

‘You’re being careful, right? When you’re out with Bennet, playing at being superheroes again?’ Daphne asks gently.

‘Oh... uh...

‘You think you’re the only one who misses the excitement?’ she chides. ‘Try not to crash into any more buildings though. Those things are expensive.’

The End