Kill Speed

Feb. 1st, 2011 09:40 pm
kethni: (Excited)
[personal profile] kethni

 

Kill Speed

 

What’s with the bizarre mix of trailers? Indie films, cheesy sci-fi, and low budget horror. Scattershot approach, much?

Grunny on the Kill Speed menu, hee!

Oh ‘Grunny’ is SO a word uh, Word. So there.

I’m not sure if I’m going to watch the whole of this, since it looks DREADFUL. I am giggling at the credits though where Grunny is ‘and Greg Grunberg’ because I know from Babylon 5 DVD commentaries that the ‘and X’ credit is considered rather a plum one.

Anyway, well done Kill Speed for making Meth use look almost as unappealing as Breaking Bad makes selling the stuff look. Any woman who can’t paint her nails without getting varnish all over her (dirty, dirty!) toes has no business putting a needle anywhere.

On the plus side I guess this is maybe where Tom Arnold met Grunny? Without whom Group Sex wouldn’t be the same.

HA! Tom Arnold blew himself sky high. Is this supposed to be an amusing film?

Robert Patrick is the President huh? Well although I’m not keen on a Terminator for US president it’s slightly less disturbing than the loud and noisy sex scene from the ‘hero’.

Airplane!porn! Yawn

Men in sleeveless t-shirts. There’s some chit-chat about whose mother does what to who but really it’s a dick measuring contest. Especially when they get out their guns. Oh boys, just shag and get it out of your systems.

Strange vans approaching? Is it the feds? Oh PLEASE be the feds. I would appreciate some actors not dressed or acting like stunned teenagers. Especially this one guy in a t-shirt, hooded sweatshirt, and baseball cap. They’re in the desert and he’s wearing a hooded sweatshirt.

Has lead plane guy stalled the plane? He has! Well there’s something I’ve honestly never seen on a film before. Moron.

Come on feds! Don’t leave me with nobody but these testosterone poisoned idiots.

Oh look, one of the non-plane flying idiots is walking towards the feds holding his gun. Yes dear, I’m sure your manly muscles and your gun will intimidate the Feds.

Maybe the guy in the stalled plane should get out and push.

Hi Feds!

Aww muscled gun man has his pouty face on. There, there, didums.

Dear DIA agent, I’m pretty sure you can’t bring down a plane with a handgun

Blah blah about ‘the cartel’ and the Feds not expecting the plane boys.

Grunny! Apparently the wardrobe budget only ran to one suit jacket and it’s Grunny’s. He does enter the scene marching along with a headset on and holding up a hand in a ‘wait! I have a question!’ style so I guess he’s important. Or need permission to leave the call centre desk and have a pee. Whichever.

Nooo! Go back to Grunny and give him some lines you bastards!

Yes, let Grunny talk!

Or shout, that works too. You don’t REALLY have to bellow when a) YOU’RE WEARING A HEADSET and b) she’s stood about 10 feet away. Poor EVANS!

I do like that he’s in charge though. I’ll call you ‘sir’ Grunny.

I have no trouble believing that the plane guys are idiots but I don’t need it pointing out by a very wooden actor.

Plane!porn. Snore. I don’t care if the idiot destroys his ‘tiny, plastic plane’ although I’m amused the wooden actor appears to be eating his lunch while flying a plane. Oh it’s a burger. I don’t know why that amuses me but it does.

Meanwhile, back at Grunny!HQ, Grunny is looking pensive in possible the most bizarre desk area I’ve ever seen. It looks like he grabbed office furniture and made a fort. He’s on a swivel chair surrounded by shelving or something but with windows at head height so he can moodily gaze out of his furniture fort. And then swivel around to glare at his hapless minions.

Actually, what the hell kind of chair is he sat in anyway? It looks like a garden chair.

Anyway, Grunny has called in one of the FBI agents (agent Jackson, he gets a name but Grunny apparently doesn’t) in order to carpet him, in the furniture fort, in front of everyone. Bad form Grunny! Especially since a conversation about ‘interdepartmental cooperation’ makes it clear Jackson doesn’t work for Grunny.

Exposition time. I’ve realised that Grunny has apparently decided that shouty whatever-agency-he-works-for people talk in a fast, clipped voice. It’s kind of difficult to follow actually, although I certainly followed him saying some chick got caught with $10,000 of meth ‘up her moneymaker’.

Euw.

Thank goodness for this actor playing Jackson. He’s obviously realised how utterly ridiculous this whole thing is and has no problem showing it. So far he’s the most entertaining thing since Tom Arnold blowing himself up.

Dear Script Writers, chill the hell down on the alliteration! ‘hopped up high tech plastic planes’ was bad enough but ‘Get some greedy gringos to move mucho meth and the next thing you know you’re a made man in the Mexican mafia’ hurt my brain!

Dude, Agent Jackson doesn’t work for you so you can’t send him to Mexico. Is it even legal to send an American agent into Mexico?

Plane and party porn.

HA! Those blondes are totally taking the piss out of moronic be-hatted plane guy. From here on I dub him RedHat.

FFWD!

Dear lead plane guy, claiming you work in ‘merchandise logistics’ is DUMB. Just say logistics. Serve you right she thinks you’re a pizza guy.

Agent Jackson got captured! Waaah! Wait, how did the bad guys know who he was? I smell a rat!

I admit it, I’m waaaay more sympathetic to a character who has appeared in about 3 scenes than in the main characters.

Yadda yadda, sudden rom-com bullshit. Not interested!

RedHat is really starting to tick me off. He’s like Ali-G without the self-awareness.

Plane!porn.

(Too much plane!porn!)

I am both amused and boggled that RedHat signed the cast of someone he was selling massive amounts of crack too. Better hope nobody arrests cast man and reads the signatures.

‘Nobody knows what you’re saying’ the lead plane guy says to RedHat, I can only agree.

Agent Jackson is being tortured. Eeps! I think Agent Jackson is actually the main character. Or he should be. I could be wrong but I think if you’re electrocuting someone you ought to put some kind of wedge in their mouth so they don’t bite their tongue off. That could make it difficult for them to give you the info you want.

Second plane guy is clearly in love with the lead. Srsly. He’s making SO much fuss about his buddy getting laid it’s ridiculous.

Beach porn (I guess it’s a change from the plane)

Actual porn – okay ‘romance’ which, in a twist that will surprise nobody, is not really romantic since the girl is actually there to spy on lead plane man. Just as his buddy predicted. Oof.

Agent Jackson is getting tortured some more while Grunny watches via webcam. Damn, dude, at least do your S&M pervy stuff at home and not in your office! Although EVANS! doesn’t seem to mind. She and Grunny are evidently well suited. (I can’t believe he yelled EVANS! again. Is this some kind of in-joke?)

Anyway, I bet Agent Jackson is wishing he’d never entered Grunny’s furniture fort. Nothing good has happened to him since then.

Poor Evans!, always getting yelled at.

Oof, in the close up Grunny is sporting some nastily blood shot eyes. Have an early night!

Grunny’s male assistant is rather cute though, and having had Grunny get in his space and lean all over him before takes his chance to return the favour. This is so he can listen to someone speaking… Spanish maybe? And translate for his incredibly rude boss who not only screams people’s names across the room but also never says please or thank you.

Blah blah faux-romance cakes

Grunny’s character has a name! Hoorah! His name is Jonas Moore? What the hell kind of a name is that? No wonder he’s so cranky. He can apparently ring up President Terminator at 8am while he’s on board Airforce one though so his life is obviously not all bad. President Terminator calls him by his first name.

Okay, what? Shouty, grouchy, moody Jonas is suddenly all teary and emotional that Agent Jackson got kidnapped and tortured. ‘He’s got a wife and two young kids!’ pleads Jonas. How does he know this?

Wait, I know! Jonas and Jackson are screwing. Yes, it’s the only reason that makes sense. All that bitching from Jonas and eye-rolling from Jackson seems so much more understandable.

Okay, they’re probably not. But how awesome if they were, right? And it would make more sense.

Again though, Jackson doesn’t work for Jonas. Remember that whole thing about ‘interdepartmental cooperation’ boys?

President Terminator and Jonas were in the airforce (or something?) together. Aww, sweet :P Even more sweet Jonas has the okay to go get his man! (No, really.)

Wait, is the girl sleeping with lead plane guy working for Jonas? Boy she must’ve really pissed him off to get that assignment. No wonder EVANS! puts up with the yelling, she’s seen the alternative.

Fortunately Jonas is not so distraught that he cannot attend to his couture. He’s changed into a rather sharp grey suit. The better to order undercover agent girl to somehow persuade a guy she’s slept with twice to launch a suicide mission to rescue a man he’s never met I guess…

This is a pretty dumb plan. Credit to the actress for reeling off her exposition like it means something.

‘The fly guys ARE smart,’ says Jonas with an emphasis that suggests he doesn’t believe it any more than I do. EVANS! little smirk suggests she feels the same way.

I like that the DIA team they’ve sent in (illegally!) includes a woman.

Montage of people being nabbed interspersed with shots of Jonas looking like he’s got indigestion.

Plane!porn

‘I need you to break the speed limit’, I know I bitched about the alliteration but there has to be a happy medium between Doctor Seuss writing your dialogue and… this.

Mmm growly Jonas…

 

Hey it’s wooden actor who keeps eating burgers! Hi dude! It’s good to see you again.

Plane go explodey! Bye bye RedHat! You made me laugh in death as you couldn’t in life.

‘We’re all volunteers’ says lead plane guy. You’re not volunteers, you’re criminals!

Dear oh dear. These scenes of the planes flying through a city are horrible CGI.

More scenes of Jonas looking concerned. I think he needs to yell at EVANS! some, that’ll cheer him up.

I’m pretty sure if there were two airplanes flying at TEN FEET HIGH IN THE MIDDLE OF A CITY there would be a fair bit of furore. But apparently not.

HA! The good guys had to land their jet plane in the middle of the freeway. Too, too funny :D

Here comes Jonas to tell the lead fly guy that he’s a moron and he’s co-opted into a suicidal rescue mission.

Is Commanding Agent a real title? Commanding Agent Jonas Moore. Rrroaw!

Ahem.

Anyway, Commanding Agent Jonas is rocking a deep blue shirt (royal blue maybe) with his grey suit, spikey hair, and a pissed off attitude. Although he’s generally kind of pissed off when he’s not being tearful about his missing lovah.

Yeah dude, just completely ignore his request for a lawyer and keep talking!

Damn, when Jonas wants to intimidate someone he really commits. He’s dragged a chair around in front of plane guy one and instead of sitting on it or even straddling it he puts one foot one it and leans over the guy. Intimidating and incredibly uncomfortable looking.

 

I really want to see the outtakes where the director tells Grunny how he wants the scene blocked.

Yeah lady, let him look down your blouse, that’ll convince lead plane guy to help you!

Oh blah blah drugs r bad.

I refuse to believe that Jackson has a wife. He belongs with Jonas!

Ooh, Jonas has ANOTHER suit. Perhaps Grunny was paid in suits? This one is dark blue and is being worn with a mid-blue shirt and yet another stripy tie. Man, Jonas LOVES his stripy ties.

Where’s EVANS! anyway? I hope Jonas hasn’t forgotten about her now he’s got undercover agent girl and lead fly guy running around after him

Plane!porn

Meanwhile, back at Jonas’ HQ the geeky plane guy wanders over to make friends. Jonas is not feeling friendly.

 

Bad guys HQ of Jackson kidnap and torture. ‘Have [lead plane guy] brought to me when he arrives,’ orders evil bad guy. ORLY, like that is it? Very odd scene of half a dozen characters standing around and watching an unknown actress swim. Hmm, someone’s girlfriend demanded a part did she?

‘I didn’t come here to watch your girlfriend swim’ says lead plane guy, echoing my thoughts.

Swimming, swimming, swimming girl. Meth sales talk. Wet girl dressing.

‘This is Marissa, my distraction.’ I think I’d be pretty offended if someone described me as their ‘distraction’, frankly.

Why is taking off your sunglasses a sign that you’re listening? Ears don’t work that way.

Escondido wants lead plane guy to stay the night, or die! What happened to buying a boy dinner and flowers?

The big scary drug dealer keeps all his money on pallets in a warehouse. Subtle.

Hi Jackson! I’m glad you’re not dead.

Aww look, Jonas is back in his fort. He’s obviously bored and/or lonely because he swivels right around to gaze out at EVANS! I wonder if that’s the first time he’s done it or he’s been spinning around and around getting dizzy.

I think EVANS! is up to no good. She looks shifty.

Jonas, still in his fort, gives Geeky Guy another look of disgust, rolls his eyes but good, and swivels his garden chair again. Working for a nameless agency sure is exciting!

Lead plane guy is being watched by guards as he sleeps. I guess Escondido the evil bad guy doesn’t want someone else getting their wicked way with him.

Doh! He’s escaped to save Jackson.

We’re supposed to believe maybe cute male assistant, Gutierrez, is up to no good, but that’s too obvious. Hmm! Anyway, he’s missing which allows Geeky Guy to notice the Something Is Wrong which leads to babbling and Jonas literally hissing ‘shush!’

I think I love Jonas. He’s a grouchy sarky SOB after my own heart.

‘Don’t you guys have a space death ray?’ demands Geeky Guy.

Jonas’ expression in response has to be seen. It really does.

I knew it! I knew EVANS! was up to no good. She doesn’t want Jackson coming back and ruining her chances with Jonas, you mark my words.

‘Strap in, it’s about to be a fast and furious morning’ say Jonas. I can’t BELIEVE they had the nerve to name check the Fast and the Furious. But thank you for that image of cute male assistant being ‘strapped in.’

Fighty fighty shooty shooty. Some of it randomly slow motion.

Back at Jonas’ HQ all the computers are down. Damn you Windows Vista!

‘I never suspected EVANS!’ shouts Jonas, and really he does shout her name. Like he expects her to pop up again. That or Grunny was on some kind of dare.

In a completely random turn of events two hitherto barely glanced characters have decided to waylay lead plane guy and steal his plane. Do either of them even know how to fly? We don’t know.

‘Hey, fly guy, I know you’ve been injured but do you mind paying attention?’ Jackson says, pointing at an escaping bad guy. I love Jackson too.

Oh Jackson! You’ve been gone 6 days and your boyfriend is already cuddling up to Geeky Guy! Or at least Jonas has his arms around Geeky Guy’s shoulders as he tries to look at the screen of his phone. (Not a euphemism.) Geeky/grouchy chemistry ahoy.

Considering that lead plane guy normally flies a tiny little plastic plane, I’m wondering how he’s going to manage with a fighter jet.

Haha the money is all on fire.

Yes Jonas, all you have to do is lean closer and SHOUT and they’ll hear you all the way in Mexico.

The drug lord flies his own plane. Well at least he’s not one of these people who doesn’t know how to do anything himself I suppose.

They just referenced Scarface. This film has no shame :D

Everyone has landed safely. Cuddles all round.

‘Can we have the happy ending in a hospital?’ asks Jackson who has, after all, been held hostage and tortured for 6 days.

More yelling in a very sit-com style fashion. Jonas, Geeky Guyand Gutierrez sandwich.

2 weeks later

Blah blah war on terror, speed cop gets his car overturned.

End!


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kethni

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